Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
