Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
