I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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