no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
