Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize