The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize