Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize