I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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