I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
