I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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