I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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