i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
