dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
