It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
