I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
