I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
