Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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