So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
