my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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