I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
