He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
