Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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