On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I need to stop coming to work sober
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize