just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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