Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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