i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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