I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
