Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize