Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
