i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
