you would pick up someone in the library
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize