I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
