I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
