the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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