I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
