Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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