Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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