This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
