saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
