My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
