if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize