He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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