Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
