I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
