Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
