I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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