I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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