Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Pooping to opera.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
