half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
