White coat. Heels.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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