When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Who died my cat blue again?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
