I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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