I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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