You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
