if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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