Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
