apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
