I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
