Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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