Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
