If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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