Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
