You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
